Time to be wicked,
A devilish grin for all.
Watch the magic rise.
Time to be wicked,
A devilish grin for all.
Watch the magic rise.
If it hurts going down,
I must attest you don’t repress.
We’ve got ashes to hide,
White lies for the less-than-wise.
I’ll watch my tongue,
Eye the trail.
Clear my lungs,
And pass the condemning nails.
Make sure you seal up my coffin real tight,
Because I might want a second wind at a fight.
I like to see my chickens;
My babies, my loves.
They are interesting creatures.
Unbothered by most,
But curious of everything.
At the shake of a bag,
They come charging.
“Worms, worms, worms!”
That’s what I assume is on their mind.
Stomp, stomp, stomp!
The little chicken is pecking at my leg now.
I throw a handful of mealworms on the floor.
They attack, not unlike their predecessors.
I ought to be playing the Jurassic Park soundtrack.
One second there are worms, and the next they’re gone.
And then they walk away, content until the next time.
If I do not know,
Then maybe I don’t care to.
Tight-lipped, but cautious.
I’d like to jump in,
To test the waters and see,
If I can then swim.
I like to jump from one thing to another.
It keeps me busy,
It keeps me sane.
It is such a problematic trait though.
I just throw, and throw, and throw,
Until all my energies are gone;
Depleted, defeated, destroyed.
There is a picture that I do not like to see;
A future of just me.
That’s not to say that I don’t like myself.
I love myself,
In all modesty.
I am strong and smart and capable.
Not nearly as ambitious and competitive as I used to be,
But I am trying.
The thought of being stripped of my family, friends, and potential loves is terrifying.
It’s lonely and bleak.
It is a recurring thought, largely ungrounded, but there.
It’s pervasive and sick, but I must question why it is an unnecessary weight that I bear.
I cry quite a bit nowadays. If I see an Instagram video of a neglected elderly person or injured animal, I am inconsolable for a solid 4 minutes. The same goes for news articles that pop up on my Flipboard feed. I am bombarded with news, largely coming from distant areas, of young children being victims to horrific crimes. They hurt to hear/read/see, but it is important to acknowledge these tragedies because if we neglect them then they just get lost in the white noise.
Now, I cannot remember the last time I have felt this sad in a long time. Don’t get me wrong, I was crushed with my last breakup and I was distraught when my cat died. When my grandfather passed away, it had a delayed effect on me. It sort of hit me all at once a few years later. I was a bit more reserved back then. It is not hat I didn’t have feelings, they just rarely showed themselves. Come my mid-to-late teen years, I gradually became a more emotional person overall.
I have come to realize that there are different types of pain, and they feel differently because they are coming from different places. For example, when I see a sad video it typically hits an outer layer, if that’s something one can imagine. It hurts to see, it makes me feel empathetic, and I know that the short-term sadness I feel from this video is coming from a place of acknowledging that what had transpired was unjust and cruel. When I read a sad article, it likewise hits an outer layer, not so much as reaching an innermost part of myself, unless it is something I have witnessed or felt as well. I likewise acknowledge that what had happened was wrong and horrid. Physical pain is coming from a place that is external, yet when it is at its peak, it hurts all over. Depending on the circumstance, it is usually short-term for me, but it nonetheless hurts. The upside to a physical pain is that it is typically only afflicting me. Not always, but usually. Emotional pain coming from a personal place is the scary one.
The healing process is rather left in the unknown. How long will it take? Will I be the same person afterwards? Will it leave a residual pain with its own given triggers? Time is the only real answer to these questions, and even then, it is a question of how much.
My current pain is coming from a personal place, an emotional type, and it feels horrendous. I know that there will be high days and low days in my short-term future, and I know that long-term it is largely positive. I am young, looking into a very satisfying career, and I have an amazing group of friends and family. The short-term me is the one that feels a million emotions at once and looks at the missing pieces. I am currently on a high day. Not as high as yesterday, but still rather high. Monday and Tuesday were my low days, with Monday being the lowest of the low. I have no problem looking at the big picture and appreciating it, but I know I cannot neglect the current day-to-day clump of pictures that make up my days and weeks and months. I see something missing because a person I love dearly is missing, which is ironic because he felt like something was missing, alas bringing this full circle.
I believe what hurts me so much about my present break up is that it was not an external circumstance, such as distance or work, more so as it was almost entirely internal. It was something missing within our relationship, most likely missing in myself. When a love can go from being romantic and strong to a friendship that is distant within a week, I believe you have ever right to feel snubbed in some way. I felt like somebody had pulled a rug right out under me. I was shocked, confused, hurt, sad, angry, disappointed, and an array of other emotions. I was shocked because I did not see it coming, confused because his change of heart happened so fast, without a glimpse of uncertainty. and disappointed because there was no effort made to resolve/rekindle what he felt he was missing. I was going through the emotions; I felt sad one moment and angry the next. I wasn’t upset at him. I felt upset at myself for not knowing that this was going to happen and that he was feeling all of these things for a week without me noticing.
I am a different kind of hurt now. I feel sad knowing that he won’t be there for me in the same sense and that the future I had begun to envision will no longer be. I feel loved at the same time by my friends and family who have put their own busy lives on hold to make sure that I am doing okay. I had them before I entered this relationship, and I know that I will definitely have them well after, if not forever.
I am not a bitter person. I want him to be happy and to excel. I am not sure quite yet if I believe that I ought to remain a constant in his life, only out of fear that it might be more damaging to myself than positive. In an ideal world, I would have thickened, been content being friends till the day we die, and been a motivator for him on the sidelines as he moves through his life. In reality, however, I think time will tell. I do believe it is possible to remain friends with somebody you used to date, but I believe it all comes down to that given relationship the two shared, how things ended, and where the feelings moved on thereafter. I would love to be there for him through his own highs and lows, but it all boils down to my own healing process.