Journal #21- The Whole Package

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Topic: What is happiness to you?

       Happiness to me is the whole package; it’s the place I hope I reach down the road in about ten years. That’s not to say that I’m not happy, nor that I can be happy in the near future, it just means that I’m talking about this ideal of happiness.

  Snippets and feelings of happiness are definitely experienced on a day-to-day basis. The ideal of happiness, however, is something I have yet to obtain or furthermore reach.

     This ideal appears to me as an image, but it’s clouded entirely by emotions. Much like how a cloud hovers close to a mountain, these emotions are constantly there and transmit feelings. However, these feelings are of warmth and contentment. 

        The image is of a family(?).  Depending on the day really. It’s typically of me having my dream career and married to a down-to-earth but equally adventurous man whose likewise Christian and educated. It could be a hockey player, fingers are still crossed for that. As for the family part of it, I don’t know if I would want to adopt a kid or actually bear one. I have years to think that over though, I’m in no rush.

     Also, I imagine I’d still be close friends with a lot of my old friends from high school. That’s part of the ideal one-hundred percent. 

      Now I’m not thinking of the two-story, white-picket fence with the homogenized husband. Honestly, the man’s face is faceless either because I feel like I haven’t met him yet or because I truly don’t picture that my time has come to think about it deeply. It’s the faceless man, the group of close friends, the amazing job, the possible kid, my actual family, and all the things in between. And that includes my traveling stories and all the things I hope to accomplish.

      It’s a nice ideal of happiness to have. It’s a really decorative image.

Journal #20- The Late One

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Topic: What habits would you want to quit? Why don’t you quit today?

       I don’t have any really destructive patterns or habits. That’s a good thing I suppose.If there were any habits of mine that I’d want to quit, it would be like mental habits. I wouldn’t want to stress about my work constantly; I typically do whenever I take a test or write an essay. I always feel like its lesser than, when in a majority of the cases it’s pretty great work. If I could learn to be confident in my school work, that would be amazing.

It’s not something I can just tell myself to quit doing. It takes a form of effort that I essentially lack. Plus, I’m still in college so this habit will constantly keep occurring. I have tests in my future and loads more essays to write. Though I don’t like to worry a lot about my coursework, it does keep me on my toes. It makes me write better essays and study for all my tests. I’m not sure if I would want to quit today.

Journal #19- Not Happiness

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Topic: How much are you ready to sacrifice for a successful career?

         I used to say that I’d do practically anything to be that top-notched detective or researcher. Now that I’m older and I’ve had time to reflect on what I want from life, I’m not so willing to close all sorts of doors for a successful career.

    I wouldn’t give up a chance of happiness that I’m unacquainted with for a crazy successful career. And by that I mean marriage and/or traveling. I want to be able to travel one day to all these different places. These places include England, France, Italy, Brazil, and Canada. If a successful career straight out of college would prevent me from living out that dream, I’d have to refuse it. Too many regrets would be had if I did anything otherwise.

    And then there’s marriage. I don’t believe that it’s impossible for someone to have a successful marriage and career at the same time. More often than not we see one fall in decline while the other grows stronger. I think it requires the right amount of balance and time on both ends. But it is really easy for someone like myself to push away the ideal of love because focus is diverted elsewhere. That could be to school or to work; pretty much anywhere else.

     I wouldn’t devote my life to a successful career if it means that I had to give up something more fulfilling and genuine. It’s something I have to remind myself of every now and then. It’s good to be reminded too that school isn’t necessarily everything.

Journal #18- Never Forget

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Topic: What will you never forget?
In terms of something serious, I will never forget the time me and my friend took a bike ride down Petaluma Road for the first time. It was a few weeks into my first year at college, and we were out and about, simply exploring. This was around the time I was coping with grief and trying to figure out my anxiousness towards the topic of death.
Things were hard as is, but that bike ride made everything seem so unbearable. We were heading back to campus (which was a solid 7 miles), and there was so much roadkill. I saw two squirrels, one raccoon, one cat, four random birds, and one chicken. It was awful. Death was literally surrounding me.
I remember having such a hard time getting over the hills and with trying to keep my eyes from lingering on the dead animals. It was a tough week, and even harder experience.
I learned to move forward though. For a positive note inside this journal entry. It was just a day I feel like is imprinted in my mind.

As for a non-serious example, I remember being in a car once, a few years ago. And I’m pretty sure I was riding with my dad, but in the backseat when I casually looked into another car. In this other car was a man staring at me dead on with these huge brown eyes. It was such a terrifying gaze. As soon as I saw his eyes, I looked away and kept my eyes on the floor for the rest of the car ride. Never before had I seen eyes so penetrating and empty.

Journal #17- The Emotional Moments

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Topic: What were the most emotional moments of your life?

Off the top of my head, I’d have to say there were about two that can assuredly be marked as my most emotional moments.

      The first one was during my freshman year in high school. My grandfather had just passed away, and it hit me hard. The thing with this emotional moment though was that I wasn’t really physically emotional. I was more so like a rock. But on the inside, my mind went in all sorts of directions. I felt great sadness that seemed to soar on the wings of uncertainty.

    The second one came in the beginning of my freshman year in college. It wasn’t so much because I was away from home, but because some people from my high school had just passed away. For a couple of weeks I was in this state of constant fear and anxiousness about death. I took life for granted, and I had never been so afraid of dying.

      My friend made me go see the college therapist though, and after talking to her twice she believed I was well off to manage on my own. She was more so surprised at how I evaluate and deal with emotional problems than anything else. She told me that I deal with grief very well since I typically do talk about it openly, and she let me go off on my way. The one thing that really stuck out from those sessions was how face was a weird type of distortion between confusion and shock. I never thought much of how I handle the pressures of life because it seemed so natural to me.

Journal- Delayed

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My daily journal will be delayed,
As my mind is relayed,
Into a track upon a dream.
From which some sleep must surely gleam.
All that’s left for me to take,
Because past waves made me wake,
And see that time is short;
Time is now.
Time is humbled,
And time will never bow.

–daily journal for today will be posted tomorrow morning–

Journal #16- Those Days

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Topic: What is your favorite type of flower and why?
It is definitely a coral rose. I don’t remember when I decided a coral rose was my favorite, but I remember seeing them I  stores and knowing that the color brought up feelings of warmth and joy when I saw them. It’s a nice feeling.