Journal Topic #13- Broken Hearts?

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Topic: How many times has your heart been broken?

I don’t believe I’ve ever been in love, so to answer that simply: never. But I have had my heart crushed a bit. Not because I loved someone who didn’t love me back, but because I may have liked someone who let me down or was with someone else. Something along those lines.

The first time was with one of my first crushes. It was an on-and-off thing that is more troublesome to delve into than I’d prefer. Unless you all want the specifics But this was atleast 4 years ago.

The second time was in tenth grade when a guy I liked (for about 2 weeks) started dating this one girl who I honestly couldn’t stand. I didn’t hate her, but she just had the worst two-faced personality. His wasn’t any better, so it didn’t take me long to see that I dodged a bullet there.

The third time I actually gathered the balls to tell a guy I liked him (like a year and a half ago), but things didn’t go as I had imagined. My friend urged me to do it, and I thought it was great advice at the time so I did it. I can write this now because I realize how stupid it was. I hardly knew the guy but he seemed like a genuinely good guy. And he is a good guy. He was just about to ask out this girl he had liked for a long while, so we remained friends. Awkward friends if anything, but I didn’t really think about it much after a few weeks. It was a hit and miss crush that died before I took the time to evaluate why I liked this guy in the first place.

The fourth time was something I saw coming for a while. Sort of like when you have a band-aid that’s been on forever, and you know you have to rip it off so you can finish healing. So I ripped it off when I came back. And it didn’t hurt like I had imagined it would, but it also didn’t appear the same as when I had first put it on. I think it’s because I have changed. I don’t want the same things, and I don’t feel the same way about a myriad of things. And these things range from logic to philosophy to hockey and to certain friendships.

I remember things being a given way before I had left, and when I came back I was surprised to see that they’re not. Perception is of the mind, but feelings were from a different heart.

I can almost count on there being a fifth time in the months to come, but I hope there isn’t. I’ve felt pangs of sadness and uncertainty before, but never a broken heart. I don’t know how I would manage with that. Usually happiness emerges in the form of another from the banks of my most recent heart-crushing event. [I still don’t feel like that word is being properly used here. It’s too negative than it really is for me.] I suppose I have to wait and see who steps off of that bank.

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