Journal #35- My Greatest Fear

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Topic: What is your greatest fear?

Up till yesterday, I would have told you that my greatest fear is drowning. But something in me has changed since last night, and I don’t know what it is, but it’s a change I nonetheless needed. My greatest fear revolves around humility.

Humility comes in many forms, and most of which I have experienced at some point or another.

I’ve humiliated myself while talking before the class, in my homework assignments, in front of friends, in front of strangers, in front of crushes, in front of family, in front of only myself, and in so many others ways.

I’m a messy eater, so there’s no surprise there when I say I’ve humiliated myself eating in front of others. I’ve been rejected in a sense, so that is a form of humiliation too, but a far more painful one. I’ve humiliated myself when I’ve been off by myself by turning into someone that I know that I am not. That is quite possibly the worst one. It’s hard to acknowledge that because deep down I just can’t help but feel disappointed and embarrassed for being something that I’m not. It doesn’t happen often, but it has happened.

So why is my greatest fear something that I have so frequently experienced and know how to deal with? Because it shakes my very core. It’s not pleasant, but it’s not unbearable. It is an awful feeling, but it is helpful when I reevaluate my past actions or reasoning. Humility isn’t my strong suit, but it’s a fear I’ve come to know well.

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