Journal #BetweenYouandMe

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I’ve taken a break from my daily journals for two distinct reasons. Firstly, I started school and work again recently, so my time is quite divided. Secondly, Honesty Hour has taken on other plights. Maybe short stories will reign, or maybe vlogs will take over. I’ll explore the art of writing and filming for now.

Topic: “Give me your best first-person-based short story that touches all the heart strings while keeping everyone aloof. The story that gives too much leaves everyone with too little.”

Dear You,

So, between me and you, there’s something that you should know. There’s something that I want to say. I didn’t plan this out at all. Go-with-the-flow-Rebecca did just what she said she’d do; she went wherever the wind took her. And it led to some pretty great things. I believe we should all loosen our reigns at times, because it’s as if we have this ever-tightening noose around our necks since childhood. Some of us don’t notice that its starting to leave marks around our necks. Others cut the noose somewhere along the way. The rest of us loosen the knot to give us enough leeway to breathe comfortably, but leave it in tact just in case we need something to pull us back to reality. Now this noose isn’t a negative symbol for sin or wrongdoing. It’s a symbol for our analytic mindset that can prove to be detrimental if we constantly count our steps and overthink our decisions. We all do it. And I for one prize that part of myself because it makes me all the more wiser. But I will also acknowledge the downfall such processes can have if constantly applied. Overthinking is a cloaked villain.

Now, back to the topic at hand. I can be walking down the street or cruising down the freeway. I’ll hear the sound of the cars, and the chatter of the common folk. I’ll see bicyclists strolling alongside cars, and I’ll see people waiting to cross the street. These are everyday occurrences that we’re all used to. Nothing has every seemed so foreign to me now. I know that its daily life, and a life that I am accustomed to, but I walk with a foot of uncertainty.

I’ll think back to what had happened, and I’ll get lost in a wave of overthinking. I get caught up in the thing that I hate the most: ‘what-if.’  I think what-ifs are pointless and nonsensical. I avoid them at every turn. But now I’m stuck with ‘what if I went to the pond.’

I stared off in the pond’s direction for a minute. A solid minute. My first instinct was to go, but I gave myself time to reflect on what that decision would mean. It would mean that I would inevitably be in the wrong for exploring other options. So I wasn’t go-with-the-flow-Rebecca for that instance, and it cost me dearly.

Fifteen minutes later I was left in shock. I stood up, and sort of shook it off. I was fine. Things were fine. Everything was okay because I told myself it would be.

The following day I remember waking up and thinking about you. And I wish they were happy thoughts, but they really weren’t. I thought about the pond and that minute of reflection I had before I left. In that minute, I thought about what I had said. I’d keep to myself, I said. And so I did. I turned away from the pond’s direction, and went onward towards home.

I didn’t want to explain what had been running through my mind that morning because my thoughts were scattered, and I would have made things worse if I had. To be entirely honest, I didn’t want to say what I was thinking, because it was wrong and illogical. But when I see your name pop up on my phone, I can’t help but go back to that day and watch it play out in fast-forward. I’ll connect two dots that shouldn’t really be connected: that memory and you.

I tried to change it too. I started conversations, expecting it to fade, but when it didn’t, I was left feeling distraught. Where do I go from here? Do I stand here waiting for you to assure me that you would have never wanted this, or do I walk forward focused straight ahead with the hope that time will be the answer? That, I have yet to decide. But oh, how grateful I am to realize this noose is another angel’s halo.

Sincerely, Me

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