HH Journal 12 – What I Want to Be

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Topic: Reflection to perfection.
I believe that we all search for different things, but the endpoint is all the same; happiness. Some can find it in a fulfilling career, others in friends, some in family, others in relationships. I’d like to assume that mine would lie in a career considering how school-focused I have always been. But as soon as I stepped away from such a heavy focus on hitting the books, I realized that we tend to find different forms of happiness in all fields. There’s happiness from friends and family and work and knowledge and so on. The one that I believe I have waited for, or have put on a hold in a sense, is that which comes from finding someone I could see myself happy with. That’s a major life event if you consider the stages of development in psychology. Intimacy v. Isolation. I don’t think it’s all that simple or easy to generalize, but I understand the concept.
I told myself there is always time for that in the future, whenever I feel as though I’m ready for that. I believe I’m at a better place now than where I was a year ago. Good stuff I suppose.
I also know I don’t want to fall for something resembling that of what I said I wouldn’t. I knew how a certain person in my life was when it came to relationships. And I told myself, never someone like him. The fear instilled in me was that I’d end up falling for a similar thing, but with a different face. That fear is more real than ever.
Place me in between a rock and a hard place, and I’ll push my way through. Place me in between the thing I want to avoid and what I actually want, and you’ll see that I’m stuck and too scared to find a way up. I’m a big girl now, in a bigger world. I think it’s time to revert to where I started from. He will build me back up, like a disease to which our antibodies come to recognize now; stronger.

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