Honesty Hour 2.0

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I cry quite a bit nowadays. If I see an Instagram video of a neglected elderly person or injured animal, I am inconsolable for a solid 4 minutes. The same goes for news articles that pop up on my Flipboard feed. I am bombarded with news, largely coming from distant areas, of young children being victims to horrific crimes. They hurt to hear/read/see, but it is important to acknowledge these tragedies because if we neglect them then they just get lost in the white noise.

 

Now, I cannot remember the last time I have felt this sad in a long time. Don’t get me wrong, I was crushed with my last breakup and I was distraught when my cat died. When my grandfather passed away, it had a delayed effect on me. It sort of hit me all at once a few years later. I was a bit more reserved back then. It is not hat I didn’t have feelings, they just rarely showed themselves. Come my mid-to-late teen years, I gradually became a more emotional person overall.

 

I have come to realize that there are different types of pain, and they feel differently because they are coming from different places. For example, when I see a sad video it typically hits an outer layer, if that’s something one can imagine. It hurts to see, it makes me feel empathetic, and I know that the short-term sadness I feel from this video is coming from a place of acknowledging that what had transpired was unjust and cruel. When I read a sad article, it likewise hits an outer layer, not so much as reaching an innermost part of myself, unless it is something I have witnessed or felt as well. I likewise acknowledge that what had happened was wrong and horrid. Physical pain is coming from a place that is external, yet when it is at its peak, it hurts all over. Depending on the circumstance, it is usually short-term for me, but it nonetheless hurts. The upside to a physical pain is that it is typically only afflicting me. Not always, but usually. Emotional pain coming from a personal place is the scary one.

 

The healing process is rather left in the unknown. How long will it take? Will I be the same person afterwards? Will it leave a residual pain with its own given triggers? Time is the only real answer to these questions, and even then, it is a question of how much.

 

My current pain is coming from a personal place, an emotional type, and it feels horrendous. I know that there will be high days and low days in my short-term future, and I know that long-term it is largely positive. I am young, looking into a very satisfying career, and I have an amazing group of friends and family. The short-term me is the one that feels a million emotions at once and looks at the missing pieces.  I am currently on a high day. Not as high as yesterday, but still rather high. Monday and Tuesday were my low days, with Monday being the lowest of the low. I have no problem looking at the big picture and appreciating it, but I know I cannot neglect the current day-to-day clump of pictures that make up my days and weeks and months. I see something missing because a person I love dearly is missing, which is ironic because he felt like something was missing, alas bringing this full circle.

 

I believe what hurts me so much about my present break up is that it was not an external circumstance, such as distance or work, more so as it was almost entirely internal. It was something missing within our relationship, most likely missing in myself. When a love can go from being romantic and strong to a friendship that is distant within a week, I believe you have ever right to feel snubbed in some way. I felt like somebody had pulled a rug right out under me. I was shocked, confused, hurt, sad, angry, disappointed, and an array of other emotions. I was shocked because I did not see it coming, confused because his change of heart happened so fast, without a glimpse of uncertainty. and disappointed because there was no effort made to resolve/rekindle what he felt he was missing. I was going through the emotions; I felt sad one moment and angry the next. I wasn’t upset at him. I felt upset at myself for not knowing that this was going to happen and that he was feeling all of these things for a week without me noticing.

 

I am a different kind of hurt now. I feel sad knowing that he won’t be there for me in the same sense and that the future I had begun to envision will no longer be. I feel loved at the same time by my friends and family who have put their own busy lives on hold to make sure that I am doing okay. I had them before I entered this relationship, and I know that I will definitely have them well after, if not forever.

 

I am not a bitter person. I want him to be happy and to excel. I am not sure quite yet if I believe that I ought to remain a constant in his life, only out of fear that it might be more damaging to myself than positive. In an ideal world, I would have thickened, been content being friends till the day we die, and been a motivator for him on the sidelines as he moves through his life. In reality, however, I think time will tell. I do believe it is possible to remain friends with somebody you used to date, but I believe it all comes down to that given relationship the two shared, how things ended, and where the feelings moved on thereafter. I would love to be there for him through his own highs and lows, but it all boils down to my own healing process.

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Graduate

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I am twenty-one and done. It wasn’t a long road, but rest-assured, it was a tedious one. I received my bachelor’s of arts in Environmental Studies and Planning at the ripe age of twenty. I set out some career paths a month after graduating. I set achievable fitness goals to better prepare myself for said paths. And I am now seeing how it goes. I am nowhere near where I want to be, but I am definitely a few steps closer.

The thing about college is that it in many ways shields you from the big picture. You spend semesters upon semesters thinking about the future, and by the time you’ve got your diploma in your grasp, it’s as though someone has removed this colored veil off of your eyes. It is a little bit terrifying but in many ways liberating. It forces you to explore in different spaces that you’re unaccustomed to. 

I remember being in senior seminar and seeing an unreal level of fear and anxiety in most sessions, especially the closer we moved towards graduation day. Everyone wanted roughly the same thing; a stable, well-paying full-time job in the environment field within a month of graduation. When news came out of cuts to state and federal environmental agencies, it was a rather dark time in that class. Our two professors took it head on, exclaiming how yes, it will indeed be hard for some of us to get jobs in the governmental branch. For many of this graduating department, their hearts were set on these sorts of jobs for years. I for one threw around the idea from time to time. Talk mainly transitioned towards the positive response the non-profit sector would have, with jobs likely opening up more and more here. 

It was exciting to think of all the things I’d like to possibly do with my degree. There was one month I thought heavily on environmental policy, and another where I considered outdoor education. With so many fresh ideas coming to the forefront, I couldn’t find myself being content with pursuing just one. I had a longing to further my education one day. A PhD sounds nice, but not anytime too soon. 

Being a land manager one day would be amazing, but so would being a park ranger. A dream of mine was to be a game warden. It meshed the two worlds I had loved the most; environmental studies and law enforcement. 

Now that I have had time to take a breath and consider what it is I trult want to do at this point in my life and early career, I find myself leaning more towards law enforcement. I used to want to be a cop growing up, and I never let that dream go. Academically, nothing peaked my interest more than environmental studies. And if I do continue my education later down the line, I have no doubt that it will be some aspect of environmental studies. It not only fascinates me, but likewise drives me onward. It is a passion, but also a will of its own.

It’s been awhile since I have made an update, so my apologies!

-Rebecca

Gauging

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I’ll finish early to find that the world wasn’t ready.

There are places I want to be, but never alone, you see?

I want to do this and that and that again,

But I have to do that and this and this again.

Stability is a mystery at this stage;

It should be outlined on my degree.

“Passionate, but little guarantee.”

“Self-willed, but too soon to gauge.”

Sign me up!

Make me king.

Tarnished Endeavor

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I threw my hat in the air.

With all the laughter about,

No end within sight,

We screamed or we’d shout.

Here’s to the victors of glee and might.

No one stops to evaluate what victory means,

Or how the other must feel.

We squeeze and we glean;

Take all the joy and the pawn while they kneel.

Mark their heads with our seals,

But the laughter can’t last forever.

It’s a tarnished endeavor.

I watch my hat hit the ground.

Everyone’s gone,

Long and far.

Our grounds are soiled,

No joys to spawn.

My hat hits dirt.

The sound, all hollow, resonates their hurts.

HH Journal 10 -Decayin’ While I’m Prayin’

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Topic: Reflect on where you were before this semester, and where you stand now afterwards.

Before the semester started, I was in all sorts of stories. I got to watch them unravel or wind up. It’s weird I’ll tell you that. I’m not the same person I was before the semester, but I don’t think that bothers me too much. It’s not that I wasn’t a fan of that girl before, but I like who I am now too. I liked them both, for different reasons.

One gave me hope in ideals bigger than man while the other helped me walk away from chasing something that can’t be captured.

My body feels different, as does my mind. My mind has made some new tracts in my mind, and every now and then I go down those tracts. Its fun to see where they lead. My mind didn’t do a 360 though. I am who I am. I can look in the mirror and see a familiar face. The thing is that it’s a face that has seen the four seasons and has grown past them.

I’m solid. I’m doing pretty good. I’m not turning into brittle, or however that expression goes. I’m not crumbling under stress or withering with the wind. I’m far from decaying. I feel as though I was that plant someone forgot to water, and now that the rain has finally come, I’m turning all sorts of green. So let me grow. Let me do my thing.

My thing isn’t wrong or strange or absurd. It’s just my way of living. I feel as though I’m going to be reaching all new heights in the near future. And I am excited for them. Both hands clasped together you’ll find me there praying. Praying for all sorts of things. Most importantly though, I’m praying for those ideals I realized were beyond anyone’s reach.

Honest to Your Environment

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I see the way they dress, and eat, and talk.

I should be as sustainable as them.

It’s not even a ‘them’ anymore.

It’s a ‘we, it’s an ‘us,’ it’s a collective.

It’s a major with a directive;

A field based off of perspective.

I am a part of them,

So maybe I should attached to their hem.

I should seek the same changes,

And display these changes as well.

I’ll become more aware and more conscious.

Truths will be written as I learn to be honest.

I have to be honest to myself and my environment;

Distinguish between necessity and entitlement.

I know of the history.

We are all part of the same mystery.

But I’ll try to save what I can.

This isn’t my calling; it’s my plan.

Two Stones

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I pressed myself upon a stone.

I felt it’s grooves, though it was roughly all smooth.

I came to know it quite well.

I liked it’s curves,

As I had liked it’s given weight.

I found myself upon another stone.

Similar weight,

Different ridges.

I’m still tracing my fingers across it’s cool foundation.

Two stones too many.

There are more than plenty.

I just don’t think I can value them equally.

Something inside says greedily.

I’ll shift my feet towards gravel.

I’ll build my way up to boulders.

Stones are not for me.