HH Journal 12 – What I Want to Be

Standard

Topic: Reflection to perfection.
I believe that we all search for different things, but the endpoint is all the same; happiness. Some can find it in a fulfilling career, others in friends, some in family, others in relationships. I’d like to assume that mine would lie in a career considering how school-focused I have always been. But as soon as I stepped away from such a heavy focus on hitting the books, I realized that we tend to find different forms of happiness in all fields. There’s happiness from friends and family and work and knowledge and so on. The one that I believe I have waited for, or have put on a hold in a sense, is that which comes from finding someone I could see myself happy with. That’s a major life event if you consider the stages of development in psychology. Intimacy v. Isolation. I don’t think it’s all that simple or easy to generalize, but I understand the concept.
I told myself there is always time for that in the future, whenever I feel as though I’m ready for that. I believe I’m at a better place now than where I was a year ago. Good stuff I suppose.
I also know I don’t want to fall for something resembling that of what I said I wouldn’t. I knew how a certain person in my life was when it came to relationships. And I told myself, never someone like him. The fear instilled in me was that I’d end up falling for a similar thing, but with a different face. That fear is more real than ever.
Place me in between a rock and a hard place, and I’ll push my way through. Place me in between the thing I want to avoid and what I actually want, and you’ll see that I’m stuck and too scared to find a way up. I’m a big girl now, in a bigger world. I think it’s time to revert to where I started from. He will build me back up, like a disease to which our antibodies come to recognize now; stronger.

Advertisements

HH Journal 10 -Decayin’ While I’m Prayin’

Standard

Topic: Reflect on where you were before this semester, and where you stand now afterwards.

Before the semester started, I was in all sorts of stories. I got to watch them unravel or wind up. It’s weird I’ll tell you that. I’m not the same person I was before the semester, but I don’t think that bothers me too much. It’s not that I wasn’t a fan of that girl before, but I like who I am now too. I liked them both, for different reasons.

One gave me hope in ideals bigger than man while the other helped me walk away from chasing something that can’t be captured.

My body feels different, as does my mind. My mind has made some new tracts in my mind, and every now and then I go down those tracts. Its fun to see where they lead. My mind didn’t do a 360 though. I am who I am. I can look in the mirror and see a familiar face. The thing is that it’s a face that has seen the four seasons and has grown past them.

I’m solid. I’m doing pretty good. I’m not turning into brittle, or however that expression goes. I’m not crumbling under stress or withering with the wind. I’m far from decaying. I feel as though I was that plant someone forgot to water, and now that the rain has finally come, I’m turning all sorts of green. So let me grow. Let me do my thing.

My thing isn’t wrong or strange or absurd. It’s just my way of living. I feel as though I’m going to be reaching all new heights in the near future. And I am excited for them. Both hands clasped together you’ll find me there praying. Praying for all sorts of things. Most importantly though, I’m praying for those ideals I realized were beyond anyone’s reach.

HH Journal 10 -Put into a Daze

Standard

Topic: Open conversation.

 

“I need you to know, friend,

My mind was in a daze.

I hope that we can make amends;

I’m sorry it went wrongful ways. “

You mean a lot to me, and its progressively mounting. I never thought I’d be the one on the other side of the line, but I am. I want to paint over the line and act like it was never there. I also want to kick some dirt over it, hiding it. That’s not me though. I saw that line, and then I was one step ahead of it. Three steps behind.

My head was a jumble of everything. I was here, but somehow there. I closed my eyes and I swear I could see you. It’s funny how our minds work. I wish mine was ahead of the game. It gradually turned into the game. I couldn’t escape the game, and I couldn’t win it. There are no winners or losers here this time my friend. There is only the daze that follows. Questions are posed, and I can’t answer them.

“Put into a daze,

I’ll make my way out.

I know without a doubt,

That there are prices to pay,

But I’ll pay in cash.

I’ll land in debt.

I’ll feel the brunt of that lash,

But I won’t let you go and fret.”

 

 

HH Journal 9 -Let’s Not

Standard

Topic: Evaluate the present.

Let’s not.

I’d have to evaluate why I haven’t done an Honesty Hour in the past three or four days, and I’d have to answer for my decisions.

I haven’t done an Honesty Hour because I’ve been so incredibly busy with my coursework. I can see the light over the mountains of pages of reading I have, so it’s a good sign. But I have a month left so it’s full speed ahead until I get to move passed that mountain. I’ve had a good reason for not writing, but is any reason a good reason when it’s Honesty Hour? That, I’m not entirely sure.

I agreed to go out there and try new things, like any adventurous college student. It should be fun to explore new places, you know? I’ll get to know some people along the way. So I won’t stand up straight and try to ramble off my reasons for why I do what I do. I’m not that person anymore. I don’t know where she went, but something told me she scurried away when she found the chance to run. I won’t try to find her right now; I’m too preoccupied with school for that.

I’m excited for the future, nonchalant about the present, stressed about my work, but confident that I’ll make it out just fine. So presently, I’m decently decent. I’ll let the stress just slide off in the near future, and I won’t try to stop it. Good things are coming. That’s what I can gather from the present.

HH Journal 8 – Tomorrow Though

Standard

Topic: What’s on your mind?

Tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow.

I’ve got tomorrow on my mind because tomorrow can be a pivotal day. I have registration at 9, an essay to finish, an important appointment at 2, a lunch date with Andrea at 4, and more essay-writing till 7. Tomorrow will drain me, but it will also probably change me.

I’m afraid to hear what’s already on my mind, but I signed up for this. Tomorrow will be a long day. I know that I will get through it and I know that after tomorrow some of my heavy load will chip off, but I still have to get through tomorrow.

I can’t wait to see Andrea though! She’s astounding. It’s been too long quite honestly.

I wish this could be more insightful, but it’s not because tomorrow has yet to actually happen. I hope all goes well, and I hope my meeting doesn’t throw me in a tail-spin either.

Everyone will have that one dreaded ‘tomorrow’ at some point in their lives. Maybe it’s actually tomorrow, or maybe it’s in a year from now. Just know that you can get through that day. It might not be easy or pain-free or scar-free, but a day consists of 24 hours/1440 minutes/86,400 seconds. Tell me when to start counting.

HH Journal 7 – Chasing Boulders

Standard

Topic: Do you ever go after something you shouldn’t have?

I call it chasing boulders, and I certainly have. It’s when you’re running after something because you want it so bad or because you feel as though you have to. ¬†All the while, you’re running after something possibly bigger than you, smarter than you, faster than you, better than you, etc etc. Whatever your boulder is, you seem to come to the conclusion that you can actually reach this boulder, stop it, and therein grasp it.

For starters, this is a boulder we’re talking about. It’s massive and strong. It is terrifying to behold too. Secondly, it carries more force than you, and it gains so much momentum going downhill. How you can ever so much as reach it is beyond reason. Thirdly, it’s going downhill for a reason. Some things are meant to escape or leave your realm. Finally, if you were somehow able to reach it and grab it, how would you grasp it in your hands? And what would you do with it once you have it?

Those are surely big questions. Maybe even painful questions.

I’ve done my fair share of chasing boulders. I might be chasing my own boulder of sorts right now. The only thing worse than chasing a boulder is having a boulder chase you. That is when you really take in the weight this boulder carries.

HH Journal 6 – Preparing is Key

Standard

Topic: describe this upcoming week.

This will be the hardest week in my college career so far. And that is including finals week both semester. I have so many critical assignments due on Sunday onward. I know that I’ll make it through till the end, but there’s always that idea that pops up like: what if I don’t?

I’m not saying that I’ll just implode from stress and lord knows what else. I mean there’s always that chance that I’ll just throw my hands up in the air and call it quits. It’s not something I do with school ever. I’m usually on top of my workload. And I am. I’ve been consistently getting A’s on all of my assignments in all of my classes, even when I probably shouldn’t have.

I’ve put so much effort into my coursework, and sometimes I just want to take a break like everyone else. I want to lay back and remind myself that this isn’t life or death. I can’t this week, that I know for sure.

I’ll make it out of the week. On top again? We’ll see. There is so much work to be done every single day this week, and that is supposed to be juggled with work. I can juggle the two quite well. I’m just afraid to see how I’ll appear after this week. I might be brain-dead for a while, at least until I have to write up my final draft of my research paper and get ready for finals.

Winter break is calling my name, but I have to ignore it until I get through this week. Cheers to stress and over-priced coffee.