Gauging

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I’ll finish early to find that the world wasn’t ready.

There are places I want to be, but never alone, you see?

I want to do this and that and that again,

But I have to do that and this and this again.

Stability is a mystery at this stage;

It should be outlined on my degree.

“Passionate, but little guarantee.”

“Self-willed, but too soon to gauge.”

Sign me up!

Make me king.

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HH Journal 10 -Decayin’ While I’m Prayin’

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Topic: Reflect on where you were before this semester, and where you stand now afterwards.

Before the semester started, I was in all sorts of stories. I got to watch them unravel or wind up. It’s weird I’ll tell you that. I’m not the same person I was before the semester, but I don’t think that bothers me too much. It’s not that I wasn’t a fan of that girl before, but I like who I am now too. I liked them both, for different reasons.

One gave me hope in ideals bigger than man while the other helped me walk away from chasing something that can’t be captured.

My body feels different, as does my mind. My mind has made some new tracts in my mind, and every now and then I go down those tracts. Its fun to see where they lead. My mind didn’t do a 360 though. I am who I am. I can look in the mirror and see a familiar face. The thing is that it’s a face that has seen the four seasons and has grown past them.

I’m solid. I’m doing pretty good. I’m not turning into brittle, or however that expression goes. I’m not crumbling under stress or withering with the wind. I’m far from decaying. I feel as though I was that plant someone forgot to water, and now that the rain has finally come, I’m turning all sorts of green. So let me grow. Let me do my thing.

My thing isn’t wrong or strange or absurd. It’s just my way of living. I feel as though I’m going to be reaching all new heights in the near future. And I am excited for them. Both hands clasped together you’ll find me there praying. Praying for all sorts of things. Most importantly though, I’m praying for those ideals I realized were beyond anyone’s reach.

HH Journal 6 – Preparing is Key

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Topic: describe this upcoming week.

This will be the hardest week in my college career so far. And that is including finals week both semester. I have so many critical assignments due on Sunday onward. I know that I’ll make it through till the end, but there’s always that idea that pops up like: what if I don’t?

I’m not saying that I’ll just implode from stress and lord knows what else. I mean there’s always that chance that I’ll just throw my hands up in the air and call it quits. It’s not something I do with school ever. I’m usually on top of my workload. And I am. I’ve been consistently getting A’s on all of my assignments in all of my classes, even when I probably shouldn’t have.

I’ve put so much effort into my coursework, and sometimes I just want to take a break like everyone else. I want to lay back and remind myself that this isn’t life or death. I can’t this week, that I know for sure.

I’ll make it out of the week. On top again? We’ll see. There is so much work to be done every single day this week, and that is supposed to be juggled with work. I can juggle the two quite well. I’m just afraid to see how I’ll appear after this week. I might be brain-dead for a while, at least until I have to write up my final draft of my research paper and get ready for finals.

Winter break is calling my name, but I have to ignore it until I get through this week. Cheers to stress and over-priced coffee.

HH: Daily Journal 2 – The Game Plan

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Topic: Where do you see yourself in the near future?

Oh dear, oh dear. That question only amplifies the stress load.

I see myself hopefully graduating early. I’ll be doing my internship in a year from now, and I’ll be taking some of my final courses. I will have probably decided if I want to do the Peace Corps or not by then. In a year from now I hope that I have my game plan all nice and polished. I hope I’m ready to go.

I made the outline for it just the other day, and I see my new adviser next week. We’ll see how it goes. I’m crossing my fingers for smooth sailing from here.

As for everything non-academically focused, the Lord only knows. I’ve thrown my hands up and said “let the wind take me where it pleases.” I don’t have enough energy to try to keep everything in check. I’ll hopefully be integrated in a church next semester since I still have yet to go to one up here. I’ll hopefully be volunteering more too if I can somehow find the time.

I want to go hiking frequently too! It’s the one thing I haven’t been able to do too much so far. I want to go adventuring.

Everything else is kind of like a blur of colors. Things will surely pop up and others will die down. I can’t say for sure whether or not I’ll be faced with pressing issues or concepts in the near future, but ┬ácan say that I want school to be a constant focus. I want to graduate a year early. Let’s see if I can make this happen.

I want to be able to travel if I graduate early, and then I’d consider joining the Peace Corps, going straight for my Master’s, or simply entering the job/internship world.

Go-To-Friend

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He’s the one I turn to about these sort of things.
He hears me talk and examine,
Tossing my horseshoes onto the rings.
Leaves me axioms to imagine.

He watches me miss,
And tells me to try again.
He knows I don’t grasp this,
And so we muddle through this new domain.

But what if he’s gone?
My friend that I hold so dear.
His opinions no longer drawn,
I’ll be left in constant fear.

I didn’t think our friendship would grow like it did.
Confounded us all, as it spewed out the lid.

The day we leave,
Will be a day of much sorrow.
Now is not the time to grieve,
Not when we have tomorrow.

This semester brought us nearer,
And I’m glad that we’re friends.
You help me see things clearer,
When I need to make amends.