Interlock Shock


My mind hasn’t gone down that road in quite a long time.

At first there was curiosity,

But then there was honest to God fear.

I’m on my own path as it is,

And it’s definitely the one I want to be on.
But there are times I recall the old road;

There is no interlock between these two nodes.

Sometimes I worry about its maintenance and care,

But something tells me these are thoughts I can’t share.


HH Journal 12 – What I Want to Be


Topic: Reflection to perfection.
I believe that we all search for different things, but the endpoint is all the same; happiness. Some can find it in a fulfilling career, others in friends, some in family, others in relationships. I’d like to assume that mine would lie in a career considering how school-focused I have always been. But as soon as I stepped away from such a heavy focus on hitting the books, I realized that we tend to find different forms of happiness in all fields. There’s happiness from friends and family and work and knowledge and so on. The one that I believe I have waited for, or have put on a hold in a sense, is that which comes from finding someone I could see myself happy with. That’s a major life event if you consider the stages of development in psychology. Intimacy v. Isolation. I don’t think it’s all that simple or easy to generalize, but I understand the concept.
I told myself there is always time for that in the future, whenever I feel as though I’m ready for that. I believe I’m at a better place now than where I was a year ago. Good stuff I suppose.
I also know I don’t want to fall for something resembling that of what I said I wouldn’t. I knew how a certain person in my life was when it came to relationships. And I told myself, never someone like him. The fear instilled in me was that I’d end up falling for a similar thing, but with a different face. That fear is more real than ever.
Place me in between a rock and a hard place, and I’ll push my way through. Place me in between the thing I want to avoid and what I actually want, and you’ll see that I’m stuck and too scared to find a way up. I’m a big girl now, in a bigger world. I think it’s time to revert to where I started from. He will build me back up, like a disease to which our antibodies come to recognize now; stronger.



I met this guy a few weeks ago.

He was so perceptive and kind.

I didn’t know him then,

And it’s a perplexing matter with men.

Never had I met someone so interesting and outgoing.

He painted my future and aspirations;

He knew where I stood before I learned how to walk.

I think people like that change people like me.

They see a world of opportunities that I can’t seem to see.

It was a chance encounter,

That I remember so clearly,

Because I held onto his words so dearly.

It hit my like a hurricane;

Hit me like a storm.

And now I’m faced with a new set of norms.

I won’t hang onto the person,

Or idealize the setting.

I’ll cling to what was said,

Because I was hungry,

And now I am fed.

The Season of Rain


I’ve felt the rain hit my back.
The feeling of joy,
To which I did lack.
But that season had ended,
So very long ago.
Much was to be attended,
As I waited for clouds.

The sky is clear,
As it has been for years.
Though, loud are the cheers,
I know that rain is overdue.
I don’t have to be psychic to know
That rain will find a way to come through,
As I don’t have to be insightful to see,
That joy can leave when it pleases.
There will always be problems of varying degrees.

A hopeful person would tell you that happiness is key.
A wise person would tell you that though happiness is there,
It isn’t a constant, forever present for thee.

Journal #48 – Biggest Dream


Topic: What is your biggest dream?

I’m not too sure what my biggest dream is. A year or two ago, I would have said it would have been a stellar career. In a year or two from now I might say a perfect marriage with a white-fenced house with a kid. Right now though, I don’t think it’s any of those two. Maybe an ideal, if nothing else. The ideal of happiness that everyone seeks to obtain throughout their life. It’s as evasive as the truth, yet as essential as the air that fills our lungs.

My biggest dream is in the making. Thought and understanding have to work in unison before I know what my biggest dream is. I don’t want to be fixated on one single dream, however. People can easily get lost in a sea of need and desperation when they put their whole lives on the line for a single dream. I don’t want to be that person. I feel like I’ve grown up and have gone too far for me to make that kind of error.

-Late Journal-

Journal #6- If Not That, Than This


Topic: If not for financial matters, where would you want to work?

 That’s the big question, isn’t it? The thing that many people don’t like to have to admit is that money does matter. Money doesn’t readily buy happiness, but it provides security and therefore comfort. And that comfort gives people leverage. They can comfortably do what they want to do in life, without having to worry about their current economic status.

Now, I’m not rich, and I honestly don’t believe I ever will be. That’s not because it’s an impossible goal to reach for. I’m smart and I have a million opportunities available to me to make that more of a reality. But, my passions in life, in regard to potential career choices, don’t bring home the bacon. And I’m fine with that. I preferably want to make enough where I don’t have to worry about money, and enough to cover any family or friend who needs the financial help.

   My heart is currently torn between a Criminal Justice major and an Environmental Science major. I love both job field, as they are both quite appealing, but I can really only choose one if I wish to devote my sole time and focus into a long-standing career. I also don’t want to try to mix the two because I feel like something would be lost in the process.

Right now, I’m leaning more so towards an Environmental Science major. I can see myself as a park ranger or a wildlife conservationist. Either way, however, I won’t be bringing in the big bucks. That I know for sure. The same applies to being a cop. I would make a decent amount of money, but it would never equate to being rich.

If I didn’t have to worry about my future financial situation, I would probably be a zookeeper. That job would be amazing. I’d love to work with penguins for a living. The thing is, they don’t make a solid living. And I have to take into consideration my future welfare.

    Money doesn’t color my perception. It is also something I don’t ignore. I know how important money is nowadays. I will eventually pick a career that fulfills my greatest passion in life, but that will also give me some level of economic comfort. I don’t plan on dwelling too long and hard on the financial aspect of it all until that time has come. Thinking solely of money can really poison a mind. And there’s no happiness in that; at least none that is pure in form.