HH Journal 12 – What I Want to Be

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Topic: Reflection to perfection.
I believe that we all search for different things, but the endpoint is all the same; happiness. Some can find it in a fulfilling career, others in friends, some in family, others in relationships. I’d like to assume that mine would lie in a career considering how school-focused I have always been. But as soon as I stepped away from such a heavy focus on hitting the books, I realized that we tend to find different forms of happiness in all fields. There’s happiness from friends and family and work and knowledge and so on. The one that I believe I have waited for, or have put on a hold in a sense, is that which comes from finding someone I could see myself happy with. That’s a major life event if you consider the stages of development in psychology. Intimacy v. Isolation. I don’t think it’s all that simple or easy to generalize, but I understand the concept.
I told myself there is always time for that in the future, whenever I feel as though I’m ready for that. I believe I’m at a better place now than where I was a year ago. Good stuff I suppose.
I also know I don’t want to fall for something resembling that of what I said I wouldn’t. I knew how a certain person in my life was when it came to relationships. And I told myself, never someone like him. The fear instilled in me was that I’d end up falling for a similar thing, but with a different face. That fear is more real than ever.
Place me in between a rock and a hard place, and I’ll push my way through. Place me in between the thing I want to avoid and what I actually want, and you’ll see that I’m stuck and too scared to find a way up. I’m a big girl now, in a bigger world. I think it’s time to revert to where I started from. He will build me back up, like a disease to which our antibodies come to recognize now; stronger.

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HH Journal 8 – Tomorrow Though

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Topic: What’s on your mind?

Tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow.

I’ve got tomorrow on my mind because tomorrow can be a pivotal day. I have registration at 9, an essay to finish, an important appointment at 2, a lunch date with Andrea at 4, and more essay-writing till 7. Tomorrow will drain me, but it will also probably change me.

I’m afraid to hear what’s already on my mind, but I signed up for this. Tomorrow will be a long day. I know that I will get through it and I know that after tomorrow some of my heavy load will chip off, but I still have to get through tomorrow.

I can’t wait to see Andrea though! She’s astounding. It’s been too long quite honestly.

I wish this could be more insightful, but it’s not because tomorrow has yet to actually happen. I hope all goes well, and I hope my meeting doesn’t throw me in a tail-spin either.

Everyone will have that one dreaded ‘tomorrow’ at some point in their lives. Maybe it’s actually tomorrow, or maybe it’s in a year from now. Just know that you can get through that day. It might not be easy or pain-free or scar-free, but a day consists of 24 hours/1440 minutes/86,400 seconds. Tell me when to start counting.

HH Journal 7 – Chasing Boulders

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Topic: Do you ever go after something you shouldn’t have?

I call it chasing boulders, and I certainly have. It’s when you’re running after something because you want it so bad or because you feel as though you have to. ¬†All the while, you’re running after something possibly bigger than you, smarter than you, faster than you, better than you, etc etc. Whatever your boulder is, you seem to come to the conclusion that you can actually reach this boulder, stop it, and therein grasp it.

For starters, this is a boulder we’re talking about. It’s massive and strong. It is terrifying to behold too. Secondly, it carries more force than you, and it gains so much momentum going downhill. How you can ever so much as reach it is beyond reason. Thirdly, it’s going downhill for a reason. Some things are meant to escape or leave your realm. Finally, if you were somehow able to reach it and grab it, how would you grasp it in your hands? And what would you do with it once you have it?

Those are surely big questions. Maybe even painful questions.

I’ve done my fair share of chasing boulders. I might be chasing my own boulder of sorts right now. The only thing worse than chasing a boulder is having a boulder chase you. That is when you really take in the weight this boulder carries.

HH Journal 6 – Preparing is Key

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Topic: describe this upcoming week.

This will be the hardest week in my college career so far. And that is including finals week both semester. I have so many critical assignments due on Sunday onward. I know that I’ll make it through till the end, but there’s always that idea that pops up like: what if I don’t?

I’m not saying that I’ll just implode from stress and lord knows what else. I mean there’s always that chance that I’ll just throw my hands up in the air and call it quits. It’s not something I do with school ever. I’m usually on top of my workload. And I am. I’ve been consistently getting A’s on all of my assignments in all of my classes, even when I probably shouldn’t have.

I’ve put so much effort into my coursework, and sometimes I just want to take a break like everyone else. I want to lay back and remind myself that this isn’t life or death. I can’t this week, that I know for sure.

I’ll make it out of the week. On top again? We’ll see. There is so much work to be done every single day this week, and that is supposed to be juggled with work. I can juggle the two quite well. I’m just afraid to see how I’ll appear after this week. I might be brain-dead for a while, at least until I have to write up my final draft of my research paper and get ready for finals.

Winter break is calling my name, but I have to ignore it until I get through this week. Cheers to stress and over-priced coffee.

HH Journal 5 – Real Number

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Topic: Throw some psychology at us.

How do you tell someone that you don’t look at them as highly as they would have imagined? Or that you lied because you genuinely care about their feelings? Maybe you don’t, or maybe you blame it on cognitive dissonance. Had I of said my original thought, then that would indicate that my choice was certainly flawed, and how could I live with such knowledge? So what you do is you try to relieve some of that tension, even if it means lying just so you can feel better about your own decisions. Cognitive dissonance is a magical thing.

It’s simply my image of you, with everything included. I can’t ever be honest about the real number, but that’s fine. I’ll keep my thoughts to myself this time around.

Three cheers to relieving conflicting tensions.

HH Journal 4 – Late and Tardy, Hand Me the Paddle

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Topic: (as picked by Jasmine). Demographics.

-yes, it is a day late. Yesterday was insanely busy-

What demographics to I belong to?

I’m Christian, I’m Hispanic-mixed, I’m a four-year college student, I’m an Environmental Studies major, and I’m a female.

I wouldn’t say my categorization defines me, but it sketches preconceived ideas about the kind of person I am. People can assume I’m charitable or ignorant because of my religious beliefs. People can assume I’m high-achieving or lazy because of my race. People can assume I’m educated or determined because I go to college. People can assume that I’m a tree-hugger or innovative because of my major. And people can assume that I am all sorts of thing because of my gender.

I won’t say whether I am or am not any of these specified things. Demographics offer a wide range of perspectives. The problem is that if you take one into account, you should also consider the handful of other categorizations.

If you have a story to tell, tell it right. Don’t exclude certain variables. Just be careful about generalizations.

HH Journal 3 – To Save the World

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Topic: free-flowing.
I don’t want to save the world, I want the world to save me. Chances are though, we all need a little bit of saving.
Some nations need saving from the demise of a political entity. Other landscapes need saving from degradation, among other things. Species need saving. Ideals need saving. The question as to who should be doing the saving, and why we need a savior to begin with, comes to mind.
Now, I’m not talking about a religious savior, and I’m not talking about a surge in beliefs. I’m talking about hands-on rescuing from an otherwise likely demise.
Things come and things go. I don’t want to save the world because it’s a feat too impossible for me to confront. It is also a task that I’m not knowledgeable to undertake. No one truly is.
I want to save threatened and endangered animals, and I want to save a justice system. I want to save myself along the way, as I want to save the world for future generations.
There’s so much saving that needs to happen, and I feel like we all tend to look at a handful of certain tasks to focus on. I don’t think it’s wrong. I just wish the world didn’t need this saving to begin with.
That’s such a loaded thing to want. And to be honest, I don’t know how such a world would look like.
I want to help save this world with my time and my energy and my concepts, but I know that I’ll need much more than myself to do that. Ignorance to one’s limits can be a dreadful thing. Empower yourself and know that earth can only be pushed so far, and that it will require a cooperative effort to make necessary changes worldwide.